I could use more money, and use to lose some weight, but in the end who couldn't?

I am actively working on both those problems, so its not like they will be permanent.

I have enrolled in 2 pre-nursing classes. in 3 semesters I will have my pre-requisites filled to apply to accelerated bachelors in nursing programs.

Where does this leave me in relation to Spain? I'm not sure. and that's hard. but more money means more freedom, and nursing provides many traveling opportunities. maybe i will go to south america for a while? who knows.

I also want to move back to the bay area. I feel like there are so many things I want to do, and I can only do so many of them. 30 is approaching quickly and that is also terrifying. 3 years and then I am expected to be a real adult with no excuses.

but maybe i can say fuck it and spend the majority of my 30s traveling. I want to see the fucking world. and thats not changing. I also want to fit in a man and a family and maybe even kids. I think i'm thinking too much about the future and sometimes you just need to let things happen. at the same time, if you leave things to chance and they never materilize on their own, will you feel okay that they never happened, or deeply dissapointed that you never pursued them?

I can't shake the feeling that life is short, and everything is happening so fast. The time is just going by and its crazy. I also hate waiting again. Have to say in a shit job for these 3 semesters working toward something that feels far away, and it feels like wasting time.

not that how i pass time now is bad. I have a great roommate and great friends. and my family is nearby, so i guess i can't really complain, but god knows i try.

I am still trying to work on my self-esteem. I am still so insecure and at this point in my life, its just fucking annoying. Alot of it stems from physical stuff, and yes I am going to lose the weight. and I dont know. Its like crippling in a lot of ways and I am so fucking tired of it. I hate being shy and timid and unwilling to committ to anything or even an opinion. I know its in there deep down there. and i am so timid it makes me boring. I want to be fun and crazy and just carpe omnia (size it all) and just love the shit out of life.

You know, I feel like my parents have been great examples of that. they find joy in every part of their lives and really know how to enjoy it and i hope that is something i can take away from them fully.

i dont even know what im talking about anymore, really. haven't updated for a while. and thought i should just so when i look back ill know where i was in life, thats nice sometimes.