So let's see. In the last 6 months i got fired thought i was going to use this opportunity to get a real job and utilize my degree. Instead, I ran out of time and money and took a very similiar job to the one I had before, but I am even more miserable and bored. But i make more money. So, you win some you lose some. I've also done something I said I'd do for years which is taking nursing pre reqs so I can go nursing school. So now to get A's in these classes. With my school record it just seems so daunting and foreboding and I hate to say it but impossible. But TONS of people do it, so can it really be that fucking hard?

Lately my self esteem has been taking a very centric role in my thoughts. I'm not really sure how it got so low but i feel like that plus my anxiety is just so debilitating. like, I'm just so fucking tired of it. so i'm trying to be more positive and all those good things.

The other thing that's been on my mind alot is family. I watch my roommates family intense support of her and I can't help but be super jealous. When we moved, her parents and little sister came to help. Her mom bought us a couch and her whole family came to Ikea while she picked it out. When her car broke down her parents have been giving her rides and took her to the mechanic and etc etc.

When we moved, my parents went on vacation. Did not give a second thought to it. Not saying they should post pone it because I'm moving or anything like that, but didn't even ask about it. When my car broke down my mom gave me one ride, and gave me a huge talk about how she is the last person I should rely on, she should only considered after or asked after exhausting all other options. Well, damn. that made me feel pretty shitty. She told me i needed to rely on my roommate, and my roommate told me she'd never ask or expect those things from me if the roles were reversed, and I took that as an implication I shouldn't from her. She said she would turn to her bf and her fam before ever asking me.

Now I realize, I should not compare my family to others. They are all different in their own way. But i thought back to it, and my mom has NEVER helped me move. And i guess it makes sense why I'm always so reluctant to invite or ask them to anything. I never invited them or asked them to go to any of my sporting events in highschool, it made me feel awkward to do so. But they did show up occasionally which was always a surprise.

anyways. whatever. got off track. my point was i pretty much don't have anyone and have been feeling pretty lonely, and clearly a bit sad for myself lately. haha. okay im tired and now writing this is just annoying, damn i suck at these things.