1) Learning to respect people. My whole life my parents have been talking at me about the idea and prospect of respect. I know it sounds crazy, but I never had an exact idea of it what it meant. I always knew to my parents it translated into doing what they said, and so, respecting someone just became synonymous with doing what you were told and listening to authority. I've always known there was more to it than that, but it was just never very clear to me. Like, I needed someone to spell it out for me. My mom had told me that I just really don't have respect for people and the relationships in my life, especially for her and my father and while of course it hurt very much to hear that, I knew deep down it was true because I didn't know exactly what she meant by it. But honestly, it was easy as looking it up in the dictionary. According to the dictionary, respecting someone is showing them they have value to you, or that you value them as a person. With that definition in mind and applying all the traditionally respectful actions, it just made a lot more sense to me. It made the whole picture so much easier for me to comprehend, and why exactly my parents were exactly so upset with me. They feel like I don't value them in my life, because my actions say that to them. ahh. lightbulb moment.

I also am struggling with respecting the new guy and his boundaries. I am working on it, messed up but am vowing to myself to pay more attention to them in the future and do my best. I will do my best to not pry and not just dis regard him when he asks something of me or for me to stop doing something, why is this so hard for me? sometimes I just want answers so bad I get blinded. I keep it in usually, but when im drinking it slips sometimes. I feel like dating someone new requires so much fucking control that I almost don't even want to drink around him. I know im also way more emotionally open and more fun after a few drinks, a conundrum of sorts. Drinking is also a comfort thing, so down the hatch it goes, even if the results are not 100% desirable.

2) Cutting people down. I feel like, it makes me a shitty person to even be struggling with this. But truly I don't do it purposely. Basically I feel hurt or offended in some way, and I then go back to the basic natural fighting instinct I grew up with through years of fighting with my mom : lash out with the absolutely meanest things you can say. It's just a terrible and ugly autoutic response. But that is not an excuse. It pollutes my relationships. it is a toxin. It needs to stop. I did it to the new boy this weekend and he absolutely did not deserve it in anyway. I wish I could say that was just me being drunk, but that is a real part of me, drunk or not. I hate her. I want her to go away, he was so hurt. and its so early. I was shocked he didn't cut and run right at that moment, I know would have. or that would have been my instinct, let's be real. It was probably his, he just has more self discipline to not show it like I would have. It's always the same pattern. I have a perceived hurt or threat, lash out, immense guilt to follow. Then, the guilt is so great I continually apologize and other person gets further annoyed. It's just an ugly familiar cycle. I want it to end. I need it to end. Dan made sure to let me know how much it had affected him "ruined my life" were his exact words. While I know I don't really have that power, and if he truly feels that way, its partially his fault for giving it to me, I am not innocent. I want to build the people around me up. I want them to feel really great and now that I see them. I see all the wonderful beautiful things in them and that's why I want to keep them around me, but somehow it gets so muddled up and confused.

I have now acknowledged both of these problems. I hope with this power of knowledge I can recognize them before or as they are happening and stop them. I truly want to be a better person.