And also the real reason I think I'm coming back because I'm just going through a break up, and that's prime feeling sorry for myself journaling time.

So where to start.

He broke up with me last week, to the day. Yes, that would in fact make it Thanksgiving. In his defense, I know that was not his intention. He was going to wait until this weekend but I got it out of him, it was so obvious something was wrong and that he had something to say. See this is the problem with journaling. I've retold and re thought the story so many times, writing it out is just overkill and very daunting.

So basically I had a few random emotional outbursts that were seemingly unfounded.(I say seemingly because I realize they stem from me knowing he's not giving me a real chance and isn't letting me get close which in turn was making me insecure and hurt, which lead to the outbursts.) This was the acute problem and reasons he decided he didn't want to do it anymore. The chronic problem was, he just wasn't that into it. That is the bare bones painful truth of it. He said if I had more confidence and knew what I was doing with my life things might be different. So basically, I need to get my shit together. and I Need to work on that self love and self certainity. I was doing that stupid thing where I give way too much of myself and start to lose myself, and I was a bit to into it. I thought I played it pretty fucking cool though.

I was torn up about it at first, and while I'm still hurting the whole thing is honestly kind of a fucking relief. I could feel myself getting lost. Giving up things, trying to rearrange my whole life to squeeze into the tiny space he had cut out for me. I don't know. Now that it's over kind of scary in a way how i fell him into him and his interests. You know, like all those really lame girls with no self esteem tend to do. Oh...shit. Well, I never said he didn't have a point.

But I was never like this with my ex. I held my own. But i also felt a lot more secure in that relationship. Idk the way i was with both this guy and the guy in Spain I knew something was off on my need for outside approval was out of whack. In good news, I realize this. And i'm working on it. Thinking about therapy to work all this confident shit out. Like, wouldn't life be so much easier if i fucking liked myself and believed in myself and trusted myself. I mean, seriously. Plus. I realize there's a bunch of shit with my parents that needs to be worked out too.

I'm sad that he's gone. But I think I just wasn't ready for him. Like he said, he knows where he is what he wants and what he's doing. And I don't.

I also have a feeling once i have all that shit figured out, that it's pretty possibly I won't want him.

Also should note, this breakup I don't think will be as hard as others is because it was long distance. Only saw him on the weekends and very little contact during the week, so you know.

Also, it's only been a week so maybe i'm being overly optimistic. Also, staying sober has helped avoid breakdowns. But i'm sure they'll happen. But until then, let's ride this positive self improvement love out as far as we can.