But really, I think the train of thought started at dinner while talking with my parents and only gained traction from there. I think it was more the thoughts that fed the run.

Either way, I just had to get it out. (down.) I know that you thought you were settling for me. No, no, you never said that. I know that. But i could FEEL it. and see it. so could everyone else. The confidence thing, yeah. I'll have to give you that one. But the other stuff, is utter bull shit. Just because you don't understand it I realize is not my problem. It's yours. Cool, you have a job doing what you want to do. and I'm happy for you, I am. And yeah, I'm stuck in a terrible bank job. But so what? I realized what I wanted a little later. I could go use my degree and do what everyone else in this city does, get a dull, life sucking government job and be bored out of my mind but enjoy the good pay and benefits. Or I could go and market to people to buy a product I may or may not believe in. And grasp at straws and jargon to make them want whatever service or product we have. Counting down the hours of every day to 5 o clock and counting down every day to Friday. No thanks, I already do that. I've had a lot of marketing internships, I did not dig it. at all. i was bored out of my mind. Now, i realize they were just internships, but I've also got to watch the people in the other positions and everything they do, and yeah it was a way to make a living. But it wasn't what I wanted.

I've wanted to be a nurse since i was a lot younger and just never had the guts to commit to it. Instead of taking one of those jobs I'm deciding to work full time, live on my own, pay my own shit, and go to class at night. And these aren't just any tiny silly classes. These are fucking science classes. with labs. The one's that I can point to you on the syllabus where it says "This is the equivalent of a part time job. You need to dedicate over 20 hours a week to this class in order to succeed." And i fit in a boyfriend. and friends. and yoga. and running. And you say I'm not a "go getter?" (also, it's not like I left to Spain for an unspecified amount of time, by myself because it was my dream or anything.) Yes, I have a timid personality. But why do you think I'm doing all this. Putting all this hard work in. I'm not just laying down and taking my pay check. Because I want things for myself. FINALLY. yeah, it took way longer than other people. but so fucking what?

Sorry im not fucking stoked about it all the god time. Sorry you came in half way through the process and i'm WORN FUCKING DOWN. exhausted. dragging. so is everyone else in my classes. we are TIRED. and we are still there. we still show up. Because we want better for ourselves. and you know, I would get down on myself looking at where other people are instead of myself. I've had friends that started this journey and have already finished it. They also started it over 2 years before I did. They also lived at home or had support from their parents and that's why they're ahead of where I am. I guess it takes being a concert violinist to be enough for you. well Sorry, Not Sorry.

I've explained it to you twenty times I don't get what you don't get. For that matter, why the fuck am I explaining it to you? I am in the job I am in, and have not gotten a new one because, I only have so much energy. and so much time. And this job has what I need, no sales pressure, works with my school schedule, minimal stress, and good pay. What more could I ask for? No they aren't always nice to me. But, no job is perfect. They aren't mean anymore either. I mean what is enough? Sorry you can't see what I'm going through or care to be there for it, but I'm fucking proud of myself. Sorry, Not Sorry.

You asked to get back together and I couldn't decide. I kept going back and forth. back and forth. I couldn't decide. Just so attached to the idea of how good we COULD have been. If you had put the effort in, stopped judging me. stopped looking down on me. stopped thinking you were better. But fuck, I don't need that in my life.

I don't need to be settled for. Fuck, it's so clear.

I have to let you go now.