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Life in late 2018
2018-11-11

So just an update. I did finally make it to nursing school, and through nursing school. I am now a new nurse. I struggled to get a job in my area, so I moved for a job out here, a 7 hour drive from my home. 2 weeks after the move, G broke up with me, again. I'd like to say I'm devastated but I'd go more with disappointed. I've also stopped drinking. I had been drinking a lot for the past few years, end up my body can't process alcohol like normal people's bodies and now my liver hurts when I drink, no joke. I'm hoping to stop for 6 months completely, and then drink very casually from then on. If my liver still hurts after that, then I guess I'm never drinking again. It's been a fucking bummer and a huge life change, but I don't miss alcohol NEARLY as much as I thought I would. I mean really, I only miss it in 1) social situations with friends that I had always drank a lot with and 2) in social situations where I don't know a lot of people/ it's all new people and two beers would really do a lot to loosen me up. I've drank only 4 times in the last 4-5 months. and 0 times in the last two months. Every now and then I miss the thought of girls nights with wine and joking with friends. But I've also realized I don't need wine for that. I don't miss drinking wine alone at all. like at all.

Reading old entries is always a trip. Pretty sure I was drunk when I wrote most of them, seems to be the only time I wanted to write. It did make me proud to read those entries though, reading about how hard I worked to get to where I am now. This is me, on the other side. I won't lie, I am struggling at work. Had a particularly bad day yesterday, 3 total care patients and a discharge, two demanding families, the computer system went down, a pt pulled out his NG tube we placed and on and on, constantly having to call doctors. I missed forgot to do ALOT of things. More than I ever have before. I was fucking drowning. head under water. Also, It's never good enough. Your'e best. and everything at work is ALWAYS your fault. another new grad told me that, and it's so fucking true. If anything goes wrong, somehow it's always your fault. Haven't stopped thinking about it since. I hope I don't get in too much trouble for all the mistakes though.No one called me about anything though, so that's a plus. Also the night charge nurse made me feel better. (She's really good to me btw) She said you know, "It's hard in the beginning. You are just doing you're the best and that's all you can do. And you will make mistakes. Most people will understand, not everyone, but most people. They were all new too once." Made me feel better. I feel like I give my all every time I'm at work, but it's never enough. She basically told me, she knows and that's okay. What a fucking relief.

I need some kind of outlet. Being out here is hard. My mom keeps telling me that it's going to be the best time of my life, but I don't feel that way. I feel very very alone. No more G, my friends are up north 7 hours away, I haven't been doing a lot. Sit at home most of my days off. I went to yoga a couple times, worked out once, ran once. I need to dedicated myself to yoga, I found a place I like I NEED to make it a habit. My roommates are pretty cool, but they have their own lives. I don't want to be too clingy, though I feel I may have passed that point last night, oops. Also not drinking in social situations makes me weirdly insecure. On the flip side, not drinking has made it so I feel that dead/empty inside feeling a lot less often, which is probably the biggest plus. I think I underestimated what a fucking depressant it is. At the same time, I feel tired like, I want a break from this uptight constant feeling and all these thoughts streaming through my head all the time. I know that's why I need yoga, not alcohol. Maybe meditation, need some kind of healthier outlet. Instead of drinking I've been shopping to sooth myself. Making more money than I ever have, but just keep shopping like a dumb ass. Hopefully I will get over it soon, and it's just the newness of having money.

Also, my Dad passed away back in March. I don't want to write about it though. Cancer, it was a long process. The last year of his life was terrible for him. I wish things had ended differently. I wish he was still here. I wish I could talk to him again. Also Happy Veteran's day, Dad. I wish I wish I wish.

Wishing is a waste of energy, but fuck it. sometimes you just need to. sometimes you can't stop even though you know it's not rational.

I wish I wish I wish.

Anyway, I've started going to therapy. Also something I wrote about in my older entries I wanted to work on. Only been once, I think both my therapist and I are flakey as fuck. Or as he would like me to say, up until now I have been flakey as fuck. or even a flakey fuck. ha. But I like other flakey people, they tend to be more lenient with my bullshit.

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