thigns that he says, but his actions don't seem to match up to the words. Why am i so discouraged anymoe? Why do i feel so alone anymore? When I really shouldn't...I feel like he cares less? When he sloppily claims he doesn't but...I still feel it.

He's very empathatic. Even consideres himself to be, what is called, an empath. He can feel what others feel, and he's very intune to peoples moods and feelings. Can always tell when I'm upset. Yes, he can if hes near me or talking to me, but in the times when I'm alone and feel like I need him most, when I'm crying myself to sleep he's no where to be found...

and a couple times i've talked to him on the phone quietly crying, and I don't think he even noticed...It's not his job to try and figure out when I'm upset or feeling down, I know that. I should be more open and tell him. But blah. Sometimes you just need to be pushed, and you need to be asked. And others, you don't. I dont know.And alot of the time its the last thing I want to mention myself. I guess I expect too much, I expect impossible things. Well not so much expect, as hope and maybe secretly for? Things I know aren't possible, un-attainable thigns. I should hope for less, and appreciate more of what I have and get, because its more than I could have ever imagined.

Anyways, Last final tommorow, graduating on wendsday, it's so scary. I never thought I'd make it this far. But then again, I thougth the same thing when I graduated eighth grade. I never thought I'd make it out of Junior high. Guess I'm slowly pulling myself through life. well, Pulling myself through...or being dragged along? It's like they have to push me thruogh my own life, and to accomplish anything at all. to advace to make headway, i am always pushed, maybe pulled, but never self proplled. I Know I would be perfectly content wasting my life away doing nothing. Well not content, but if on my own its the choice i would make I'm sure. And I know this because I saw how i reacte dlast summer and how I react to thigns now. Even though I know doing nothing makes me unhappy...If faced with the same situation, I can see myself making the same choices all over. And here I am again, talking about the same things as always, dwelling on the same flaws, never fixing, only disccusing and dwelling and harboring further dissapointment and apprehension. Apprehension...of what will come of me? Who Will I be? What will I make for myself? Same questions, same non-exsistant blurry answers. Waiting to be written in...Maybe I should feel lucky. Lucky that those questions don't have answers...lucky that i still have time to write them in, still have time in some way to try and craft them and make them want I want them to be...

random but. Coheed and Cambria. If you haven't heard them listen to them. The songs "Cassiopeia" and "Devil in Jersey City" are highly recommended. I'm pretty sure it was described as "melodic rock."They have the kind of songs you want to put on repeat and just listen and have it in the background of everything you do. You know, just have it randomly play as you do things, As if your'e life was a movie. Then again, maybe I'm just crazy. I guess their pretty popular on the East coast but I hadn't heard of them till about a month ago, maybe I'm just behind? =) either way, their recommended.

And yes as ususal this entry has no cohesion as flow. I'm complete chaos, the way i go about things at least. So my diary may as well be too.