To find guys, that I mesh well with, the kind of guy i can talk to for hours on the phone, is hard for me. I'm akward and shy in front of guys, I'm still that silly little girl that i have always been. The fact that a guy is calling still makes my tummy jump, yaeh, just like in the fifth grade. So I had the boy, and you all know that the boy makes me happy, but to have a guy friend to talk to is great to. And i found him. I found a guy i meshed really well with...and we can talk on the phone for hours, and it's been great. really really great. so this friend, Josh, and I have known eachother for a long time now. He used to be there for me through everything, especially when I was having problems with the boy. He was orignially a mutual friend, he even knew the boy better than he knew me. But slowly we realized we saw how much we had in common and grew closer. I could talk about Josh about anything it was this crazy, comoforting, freeing feeling. Becuase almost everythign I talked about he understood, and vice versa. Not only coudl we connect on that level, but we could connect on the level, well the fact, that we are both total and complete dorks, and we have fun.

He was one of the few people i could come to about the boy, that coudl really help out, because in alot of ways, he was alot like the boy, and was good friends with him. And his advice was always kind hearted and good, so he became one of my favorite people to talk to abuot the boy. but as time wore on the more and more i looked to and leaned on josh for support with my and the boys uh, rocky relationship, the more and more he withdrew from such converstaions.

Not long after, he started avoiding the boy all together, ntever talking to him. They got in a few fights and now Josh claims to hate the boy. And the Boy doesn't like Josh, because he doesn't understand how he cuold treat him like that. I couldn't either. what happend? I was so lost and confused? what has caused their relationship to be torn apart so abruptley? The boy pushed the idea on me, that it was me. That Josh had feelings for me, and that he coudln't stand to hear about me and the boy anymore. I refused to believe it. I went on, being friend with both, rarely ever talking to Josh about the boy anymore, each one getting very upset if i spent time with one over the other. The boy went on vacation and Josh and I spent alot of time together and we grew even closer.I still refused to believe that Josh liked me...

And then Josh kept saying he had somethign to tell me but cuoldn't. I thought and thought of what it could be, and allic oudl think of was it was that he loved me, he talked like it was. I began to realize and belive everythign the boy had said it was true, it was my fault that the boy and Josh were no longer friends,(well it was josh's for acting that way but still) Josh did like me. And I knew, but i kept on ignoring it, I keep on ignoring it.

I made one more vain attempt to talk to Josh about the boy while on the phone ( I should have known better but...i just miss it i guess, the way it aws) and Josh said he had to go and hung up on me. I texted him the next day and asked if he was mad at me, and he responed no, he was mad at himself for having feelings. So there was the answer. Clear and in my face, well in my cell-phone at least. There was no denying it anymore, no more ignornig it, anymore.

I don't know what to do, I Haven't talked to him since. I went to a friend for advice, and he said it was purely selfish of me to try and keep josh as a close friend, while i had the boy. Yes, I knoew that Josh wants more, Yes, I probably flirted with him more than i should have maybe encouraging him a bit... I don't know. I know that I shouldn't have, where has it gotten me? Now I feel like I can't talk to him at all, I don't wat to call because I'm afraid. Of whats goign to happen. I wish i could just keep ignoring it. I was right when i said it a year ago, and I'm right now...Ignorance is Bliss. For me at least, and thats why I'm so selfish. Pretending it wasn't there was easy for me, but probably tore him apart...

so what to do? And where go from here..?