i told the bf i wouldn't roll because of the lack of availability of drugs. which was true.

what i failed to tell him, was after meeting up with some good college of friends the problem was no longer there, and i couldn't help myself-- where is most of my regrets of the weekend begin.

really, i was most upset about my lack of honesty with him (and knowing that i can NEVER tell him) and the after effect of the drugs. I had a really bad come down. like really bad.

it left me feeling scared and alone, and worst of all no one else seemed to be having as negative as an experience.

but after thinking a bit, i realized that i was allready in a negative state of mind because of the whole dishonest feeling i couldn't shake-- adding a wrongness to the situation and general sense of being, coupled with the fact that out of the 9 of us that took the pills, i was one of the smallest. the other girls who were about my size only took one e pill, while i took 1 and a 1/2.

not only did this happen but on top of it we missed most of the actual festival which i was most excited about, didn't get to dress up, alot of freinds split up and didn't end up hanging out..the list goes on.

anyways ever since then, i've had a bad feeling i couldn't shake, and every time i looked back on the weekend i was wholly upset about how the whole thing had gone so wrong.

But, today. i was finally able to make peace with what happened.

my friend tagged a video on facebook, it was only about 20 seconds of the after party we went to. but that was enough. to make me realize, i did get to see my freinds, we were all there for each other in case anything did go wrong,i got to see a famous dj perform brilliantly, and finally i got to part from e in my own way.

had i listened and not taken it like the bf had insisted, i would have felt curious and bitter about the experience i could have had. but after really not liking this expiernce AT ALL (im pretty sure it was coupled with speed which was part of why it was so horrible i think) i am able to confidently make the choice for myself i want nothing to do with the drug, ever again.

After the first time with D and i, we both had this perspective that the drug was magical and thoroughly enjoyable and was nothing but complete euphoria. it felt nothing like that this time, and D said ever since that first time it's never felt like that for her again.

so really, its good. i can fully say twice was enough in a life time.

back to just alcohol for me.

though thats part of what bothers me, i was having just as much fun just drinking and being with my freinds. in a way i wish i had just left it at that, even if i was the only one.

oh well.