to be honest, i don't think i understand it entirely either.

i honestly don't know why i want to look and mull over her pictures. and i know that you think she's prettier than me. (that's because she is.) i guess that's why. some weird form of self-punishment.

and i don't know if its more important to you or to me. that she's prettier i mean. i'm guessing its me, because i'm the one obsessing about it. then again, you are the one that obsessed over her for years, so who knows. maybe you are quietly obsessing about her still, especially now that are relationship is loosening at the seems a bit.

looking at her pictures breaks my heart but in a kind of good way. because lately there has been a dullness between us that even other people are noticing. it was weird how when we went to sushi today, all the couples would occasionally steal their own side conversations with each other. or at least a look, or even a hand squeeze. nothing for us. same with dinner last night.

i know we've never been big on the PDA but lately i haven't felt any warmth or much of anything really.

so at least the hurt is something. at least i know i still care.