and i hate how you say you want love and promise a cuddle but all you really want is sex. and you are my own boyfriend and you make me feel like shit and the stupid part is you dont even mean to. the only conclusion i can come to is that i am determined to feel like shit. because u are good to me and you do the best you can but i am still wallowing in self pity. and this is not your fault.

i dont know what to say anymore. except for sometimes i hate you. and smoetimes i love you so much i can't breathe. its confusing and conflicting and ordinary. someone said that opening your self up to love is opening yourself up to suffering. nothing is truer than that.

you are snoring and its not cute and im mad at you and i dont like being used. and i dont like feeling like shit because of comparisons but apparently i insist on it and im sorry and its not your fault i am the way i am. its me plus many other peoples fault in which you have no association with.

and maybe its messed up but you asking me to no longer talk to the boy really upset me. somehow i hate to admit it but he is a comfort to me. which maybe he shouldntbe. but i know you still wonder about that bitch, so let me talk to him i let you talk to her. its all friendly nothing more, but its just like i said when me and the boy were still together, in someway i will always need him. maybe to remind me of things i don't want.

sometimes you need old friend maybe even old friend and just the feeling that you were once innocent and free and not the piece of shit you are now. and by you i mean i. i wish i was a better person for you. even if you snore even if you just want sex half the time. i don't know.

is thislove? the answer in all these months has never been clear. sometimes i feel like you are essential to my being and we are meant to be together and others i feel like we are nothing just two people residing and breathing next to eachother occasionally touching.

you know. it was one of those moments. whole books and oprah shows and books recommended by oprah are dedicated to these moments. where you realize the person you sleep next to , eat next to, breathe next to day and in and day out, just five seconds, a split moment in time. that you realize you don't know that person at all. you only know what they want you to know. when she said you had said--i was shocked and knew that was a you that you didnt want me to know about. that i had no idea about.

the you that fucks other girls and loves their religious values.

anyways. whatever. this is why i shoud stop drinking.

jesus.