I think this started when i realized the reason dan randomly stopped by my work the other day it was basically to show off he had lost 20lbs. which is good for him, & i am glad, but it was also very juvenile. and it made me angry that it took us breaking up to do anything for himself, or for working out or nutrition to even be a consideration, when i asked him to help me in weight loss endeavors. anyways. there it is, creeping in again. the anger and resentment of everything that wasn't and could have been.

anyways. as my europe trip gets closer i get more and more anxious. what was i thinking!! going half way around the world all by myself? I am also worried that I am so inhibited, i know the trip will be very lonely, but hopefully worthwhile. I've also barely practiced spanish, if at all. My Spanish is terrible and I'm thinking im pretty much screwed. i should have had this trip be my focus, but caught up in relationships instead. Its too late to back out now, but already wish i had made some different decisions. Also think a home stay would have probably been a better idea than an apartment. Its too late for that now too though.

I'm also worried about returning to the states jobless and penniless. I want to move out as soon as possible, but with no money and no means, how exactly is that supposed to happen? I really don't want to go crawling back to the bank or the bar, I am rather happy to leave those behind. (though i will miss people at each.)I should have just planned everything out better instead of just hoping it would work it out...as usual.