In a way, I knew it was silly to be upset. Because, what are you going to do? Oceans between us and we made an agreement. At the same time, it was a slap in the face. Of course I cared. And then tried not to, because I know in reality, as usual, I shouldn�t. (are you allowed to care about anything anymore?) So I fought it. And then people observing the situation finally said, "hey, its okay. It was messed up and you should be upset." It was a relief and disconcerting at the same time. A relief that it was okay to be upset, disconcerting because, I was right. It was fucked up. I wasn�t just being silly me.

It doesn�t change the fact I need to care less. Like, what is wrong with me? How does everyone else achieve this level of ..i know there's a more literally term but it escapes me at the moment. So this level, of not giving a shit. I mean, guys do it especially well. Like, I�ve been home for weeks and haven�t heard a word and sometimes I�m really upset about it and sometimes I�m not. and i doubt he's even really thought twice about it. I finally said �hi� because, I don�t know. I wanted to know how he was, I mean we were freinds before all the bullshit, weren't we? And... he was never going to do it. And now I�m totally terrified of being rejected. Like, if he doesn�t answer my stupid message it will crush me. & I fucking hate that. In a way I feel like I tried so hard to not care that I ruined everything by my usual aloofness and lack of affection. I guess I am still so scared of being destroyed I hold back all I can, until it all builds up and the person starts to be equally aloof back which I take as a they don�t like me or want me around anymore, or something. And I get all insecure and then probably clingy.

Like. I just want to be fucking normal. I want to have a casual thing and for it stop and to be okay with it. But can you have a casual thing, and stop it, and go back to being really good friends?

We ruined our friendship, didn�t we?

Oh well, this is an experience and I am learning from it.