The boy downstairs, just doesn't give a shit anymore. how so much changed in just a week...I'm not really sure. and my boy, the boy, makes everything so complicated. And so hard. When it could all be so easy. He over thinks it all, over talks it all, over does it all. Ands its too mcuh and it just makes everything to heavy and too complicated...I'm a simple girl. I like simple things.

I found this song on my playlist on my computer. I have no idea where it came from, or who its by, or even whats its called. I don't even know how the hell it got on my computer. But in some odd way its so addictive, and I understand it so much. And in a way it understands me and my situation with the boy. "Constant features, Bearing down on me. The way you are, the way i used to be. It's not that i don't care anymore, sometimes i wish i did. It's not that it's not there anymore, these feelings that were had..." There's more to it but that's my favorite part. If anyone knows the title or artist of this song let me know please.

You know what?I miss highschool. I never thought I'd say that. It's just, maybe its more than that. Maybe I miss a car? Maybe it's that I miss Sacramento...but God Damnit. I miss something.

Yesterday, was just my usual Thursday. Well it was more like a friday. We have a three day weekend..everyones at home, school is dead, and I'm fucking bored. This place clears out on the weeknds, no ones left, everyones somewhere. anywhere. just not here. So i did what i seem to do alot on the weekends now-- got drunk, and wandered the halls. I smoked some hookah with the boy downstairs and his roomate-- the blonde skinny girl thats attatched to his hip, went home for the weekend. That was seemingly nice, though he's still being a stand-offish asshole. Which is why shouldn't care, yet somehow i do. I always do. Anyways then i just wandered around downstairs, visitng each of my friends for abit, and then went to visit some friends in another hall...typical weekend night.

Oh yeah before the drunken wandering I had dinner with my mom. She's down near school for three weeks or so. wait, six weeks or so...taking a class for her work. I thought it would bother me, but somehow its really nice and releiving. We went and ate sushi last night, and talked, just the two of us. It was...fun? Can't believe I just said that. Hmm. I seem to be saying alot of thigns I never thought i'd say. I guess I'm changing. Or things are..or something is. Anyways I'm kind of suprised distance and college is really helping to mend such an ugly relationship. I mean i thought the distance and being away from them would help me , but i didnt know it would help us . I guess that happens to alot of people though. Its also helping make a relationship for my dad and I. It's slowly filling that big empty hole in my heart, where i sit wishing for my daddy to notice me. For his approval. Just for him to fucking like me. Just for him to care. And you know what? In all honesty...I really think he may care again. And god damn that means so fucking much. Though that one hole if filled, new cavities are being burrowed, as i slowly get more and more lost in this place. In this sea of people. That's one thing I fear so much you know, just to be another face in the crowd. I feel like i am just a face sometimes. I know i am sometimes, at least to alot of people. I don't know. I should just love what i have and be happy. Yet somehow, thats so hard. And if it wasn't, I think everybody would just suck it up and smile. And when i say smile, i mean truly smile as in life is great i love that I'm here kind of smile. not the I'm smiling just to smile- so people will notice- so that I'm not frowning- so that I'm hidding behind this- type of smile.

I wish i could just genuialy have one of those smiles, and mean every fucking second of it.

because...it's been a while. since I've smiled like that.

I wish everyone could.