[insert details here]
2005-01-04
God. I'm just confused and not sure. Why I do the things i Do,and how i get myself in these situations, and why I don't think before anything happens or before I do it, only after. after i've suffered and realized im an idiot.
I'm on the crew team. but why? because i want to be on a team, and mostly to lose weight, and get in shape, and do something active. all good reasons right? Except for the fact I'm really not that good at it. Because i'm still 20 times behind everyone else. And it makes me want to go, the coach is such a bitch, i just want to make up excuses not to go. but then when i realize i might have a real excuse (my grades were too bad) and i mite get kicked off the team, it tears me up inside and god damnit i have to do better. butits too late to fix my grades and my parents are thinking of pulling me out. why didnt i just get grades. and god.fuck it. I'm not even finishing this damn entry.I don't want to. I don't want to write it all down, its all worn out and tired.
here i'll make it short and sweet.
[insert self hate here]
[insert knowing i've made mistakes, and questiong why i've made them and how am i going to fix this]
[insert more self hate and a twinge of self pity]
[insert questioning why i even bother making plans for myself because I never follow through]
[and now i'm going to go try to just suck it up and do it]
[and fear of being kicked out of school and a dash of pain, and alot of dissapoint]
[insert my self resolving to suck it up and do it, but then it takes you back to questioning why i make plans, and no self confidence or faith]
[insert i'm going to do it anways, like i say always here]
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